CSI: Second Life After Life

Today, USA Today dropped this article reflecting on the success of big brand media companies eating up smaller web upstarts. How's the formula worked out so far? You decide.

News Corp + Myspace = Facebook the most popular thing ever

NBC + iVillage = a 4th hour added to the Today show

Conde Nast + reddit.com = you Digg everything, not reddit.

Clearly something's being lost in the translation from old media to new. Take for example CBS, whose acquisitions of web upstarts over the past year make for some of the largest activity in the industry. After sinking money into Second Life contributors Electric Sheep, CBS apparently found itself with a new, unwieldy media platform on its hand that does not fit conservative models of content distribution.

CBS' response? Obviously to cram their new, shiny round peg into whatever raggedy-ass square hole they can find. And as we all know, there ain't no square hole more raggedy than the CSI franchise.

Starting this fall, CBS will try to branch into the virtual space with CSI: New York plot lines that take Gary Sinise's character into Second Life in pursuit of a virtual killer. Yup, you read right. CSI is actually taking the plot of Virtuosity, starring Denzel and Russel Crowe and trying to make it culturally relevant to people who drink so much Amp they trade currency in kidney stones.

TVOTI's prediction? D.O.A.

Illadelph Half-Life?

Can FX's choice to promote its show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia by airing the entire season premier on Myspace one month before its debut actually build buzz in the show?

I want to watch it. So yeah. Probably.

Watch here on Myspace.

H-B-Blow?

The day HBO announced the cancellation of its new dramatic series John From Cincinnati, Showtime scored its biggest audience ever with the season premier of Weeds and debut of Californication. What does it all mean for the pay-cable power house?

Is Showtime the next HBO? Or is FX already the first Showtime?

Update! Hard Science!

Turns out Kolata don't know a whole lotta.

In a previous post on the NY Times article on Math, Stats and Sex I facetiously suggested one variable not considered in the statistics used to tabulate the different number of sexual partners between the sexes was the meretricious nature of women and the men who hit it with many of them...at the same time. Surely that could explain the difference between the same population of men and women having significantly varying numbers of sexual partners. If one guy sleeps with three girls at one time, then his numbers soar by 3 while each of the ladies only tack on one, single, lonely notch in their bedposts.

Granted, that's not the most scientific interpretation and I'm a pretty huge idiot so that's, in all likelihood, not a factor responsible for what Gina Kolata described as the difference between the median number of sexual partners of men and women.

Eugene Volokh over at his blog, however, broke the numbers down a little more judiciously and proves why those science articles, even if printed on the venerable presses of the New York Times, are always subject to interpretation and never actually represent hard science.

**Update**

Since some of TV on the INTERNETS readers were humanities majors in college and haven't dealt with an integer since they dropped Calc 2-14 Freshman year, allow us to provide a brief explanation of what Volokh's saying in Lame Man's terms.

Gina Kolata and The New York Times said the median number of sexual partners for men is significantly higher than that of women. Logically, they explain, this is not possible since the population of men and women would not allow for such a large difference of mates between the two sexes. Therefore, men are most likely lying.

Volokh, however, points out the ridiculous slant of the statisticians and their choice to use the median as any indication of sexual activity. For example, if 5 men sleep with 13 women, their average will be 2.6 women per 1 man. If 5 women sleep with 13 men, their average too will be 2.6 men per 1 woman. The two populations are therefore equal in their sexual activity.

However, by using the median as a statistical tool to analyze sexual behavior, Gina Kolata and her "Doctors" just find a way to put a new spin on a very commonplace situation. If, using our original example, 3 of those 5 guys have 3 partners each and 2 of those 5 guys have 2 partners each, then both our average and total stay the same but our median becomes 3.

Still sticking with our original example, if 3 of our women each have just 1 male partner but 2 of the women have 5 male partners then, while our average and total number of men still stay the same (2.6 and 13 relatively) our median becomes only 1.

According to this formula the median sexual partners for our 5 men dwarfs the median sexual partners for our 5 women even though 2 of our hypothetical sluts have more partners than all of our 5 dudes.

The article, therefore, doesn't reveal any new science, just a different way to interpret some pretty standard shit. Thanks Vagina Kolata. Thanks a lotta.

So You Think You Can Dance Predictions: No Homo Edition

After last night's results show for So You Think You Can Dance, I'm well on my way to predicting yet again who the final winners of this year will be. In case you haven't been following along with my interest in the show let me briefly update you. I want to heart hug Sabra beneath a suede duvet filled with tenor saxophones playing sweet arpeggios in a mixolydian scale.

So final prediction: For the first time in the show's history a woman will win, and a black woman at that.

First place - Sabra

Second place - Neil

Evidence for my cause:

1. 
   
   Sabra and Dominic in Generaux's STICKWITU Rumba


2. 
   
   Sabra and Dominic in Shane Spark's lyrical hip hop routine


3. 
   
   Sabra and Neil in Mandy Moore's '80s homage

NY Times: Whole Lotta Kolata

In her article The Myth, The Math, the Sex, New York Times science writer Gina Kolata draws attention to a statistical anomaly that doesn't quite add up. In nearly all studies men admit to having nearly twice the number of sexual partners over the course of a lifetime than women. "How can that work?" researches ask. "It is logically impossible for heterosexual men to have more partners on average than heterosexual women."

One statistician attempts to explain his point figuratively, clearly a strength with someone who's dedicated their life to numbers and their relationship to each other.

“By way of dramatization, we change the context slightly and will prove what will be called the High School Prom Theorem. We suppose that on the day after the prom, each girl is asked to give the number of boys she danced with. These numbers are then added up giving a number G. The same information is then obtained from the boys, giving a number B.

Theorem: G=B

Proof: Both G and B are equal to C, the number of couples who danced together at the prom. Q.E.D.”

Hey Dr., I don't mean to quibble with your logic, but, um, it seems like you're missing out on one of the most obvious variables for the discrepancy. What if you sleep with 2 women at the same time?

No wonder Gina Kolata can't have as much sex as a normal dude. She DUMB.

Bid on Tix for "So You Think You Can Dance" Tour

$255 for the chance to creepily wait outside Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY and potentially grab hold of Sabra when she walks by and hug her close to your chest before Wade Robson punches you in the neck and sleeps with your girlfriend? A steal at thrice the price.

Check out the Ticketmaster Auction

Current TV Injures Shoulder Patting Itself on Back After Announcing Launch of Hip Music Content Video Blog

Current TV has been around for about 2 1/2 years struggling to be the hip center of the new media movement. Al Gore founded the network to give voice to the growing phenomenon of User Generated Content in early 2005.

A lot has happened in the realm of UGC in the past 30 months, however, and very little of it to do with Current TV. Now, I was one of the early fans of the network but the channel was borderline unwatchable. Not so much because of the content submitted by viewers, but by the offensively sterile personalities recruited by the network to represent hip, smart and engaged youth.

Can you imagine anything worse than getting hip and savvy news from this?

Gotham Chopra, contributor Current TV. Also, co-creator of K Lounge, the Kama Sutra themed bar in Manhattan that was kind of bumping that one time I went at like 5:30 on a Wednesday.

Or this?

Conor Knighton, Current TV Contributor

Or this?

Max and Jason, Contributors to Current TV. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

The corn-ball personalities they chose as their faces and the minimal success of Current TV begs the question - is San Francisco too gay to be cool?

Apparently, yes:



But in case you're still on the fence, now's the time to find out. News came out today that Current TV is launching a Music-Video blog to air frequently on the network. The segment will apparently fill the void left by channels like MTV, VH1 and BET abandoning their ostensible objectives of music programming. By focusing on "up-and-coming" acts like Dizzy Rascal (who I'm pretty sure has been kind of huge both in the UK and the US for almost 5 years now), Current TV will ipso facto become the go-to destination for mainstream music news.

There's only one problem. The address for Current TV:

118 King Street
San Francisco, CA 94107p
(415) 995-8200
f (415) 995-8201

Yup, that's the Bay Area and nothing cool having to do with white people has come out of San Francisco since Judd scored Pam the Asian on the Real World.

Even worse, Current TV prides itself on its lame locale and unashamedly provides visitors to its site a link to a Google Map showing you from exactly where that stench of smug mediocrity you find in Trader Joes grocery stores and poetry slams originates.

Current TV can encourage you to FTP them cell phone videos of My Morning Jacket live at Lollapalooza until its XML is blue in the face. That won't change what has always been the case. San Francisco's just too lame to be cool.

Dear John

Is the writing on the wall for premium cable heavy-weight HBO? The day competitor Showtime dropped the season 3 premier of Weeds and the debut of its new original show Californication HBO announced the cancellation of David Milch's John from Cincinnati.

I can't say it's a surprise. TV on the INTERNETS is just so in tune with the aura of television development decisions that we almost prophetically eulogized the show in last night's post linking to an interview with Milch, which we noticed was imbued with a sense of somber reflection.

A quote from Milch:

"[I am] grateful for the experience...My feeling is that you
can't waste a second on remorse."

God's speed, John From Cincinnati. Or whatever esoteric surfer slang can convey that spiritual metaphor.

Super Bad Super Man

Crave Online: Funny Videos, Sexy Videos, Music Videos, Movie Trailers, and More!

Milch Money 101

David Milch on the semiotics of John From Cincinnati. Courtesy of Cynthia Littleton's blog "On the Air" from Variety.com. Some highlights to entice you to read further:

"[I've thought a lot about] tactics of fictive argument, generally."

And:

"...the fact that story uses as its building blocks words or characters that the
audience believes it has some prior recognition or understanding of, is really
simply the beginning of the story, but not its end."

So throw on that sweaty hooded sweatshirt, make yourself a bowl of ramen and cozy up to the sage insight of Professor David Milch on the metaphysics of post-modern story-telling.

Further reading:

"John from Cincinnati": David Milch speaks

Avid Online Entourage Fans Hate Minorities? Or Avid Online Fans of Racism Love Entourage?

Now, I know Fan Message Boards aren't the first place one should look for cool, rational, objective and insightful comments about a particular television show, but some times they're just too crazy to ignore.

Take for example a recent debate on the HBO.com message boards for August 12th's episode of Entourage "The Young and the Stoned." A poster going by the name of HBBro, after speaking somewhat intelligently about the show, decided to play the race card and said:

However, the presence of a black director really underscored the show's dearth of diversity. When's the last time a black actor's had a line in the show since Turtle's short-lived courtship of the sneaker chick from You Got Served?

At this point, Entourage loyalists joined the fray and responded:

Oh, please. Shut the hell up and stop playing the fucking race card. It's a fucking TV show, if you don't like it because "black guys aren't featured" then don't watch, simple as that.

And:

...here's a show for HBBRO, The Wire plenty of "african-americans" in that show leave ENTOURAGE as is!

And:

There wasn't enough white people on Cosby Show either!!!!!!!!

And:

Wait!! Doesnt Turtle count as a black person??? He acts and dresses more black than most African Americans do.

And:

With Turtles stupid hats and the lame Hipity Hopity music they play on this show it could easily run on BET.

In defense of the show's message boards, one fan came to HBBro's aid. A poster conspicuously using the pseudonym "DouglasEllin" said:

I'm simply amazed that this alleged "message board" is limited to the intelligence of a selected few, i.e., anyone with opposing minds need not apply. If one wants to spark a discussion of race (while admittedly a heavy one concerning such a fluffy show), why must that poster be chased out to the parking lot, so to speak? This kind of oh-shut-the-fuck-up! attitude merely turns prospective posters away, and invariably perpetuates a boys-club/locker-room mentality that, at the end of the day, includes the same 10 dudes high-fiving each other and whipping each others' buttocks with wet towels in their confined bubble while the great big world outside rolls onward.

Granted this high-minded defense of free speech on the HBO message boards loses some of its luster when you seriously take the time to consider that the poster actually uses the name of Entourage creator Doug Ellin to underscore his noble points. Which means, he's probably crazy and sleeps on a mattress fashioned from rejected Spec Scripts.

In any case, the question still remains: Do avid online fans of Entourage really hate minorities? Naw, I'm sure Avid fans of racism just really love their Entourage.

The Darjeeling Limited

From: Anonymous [mailto:ANONYMOUS@gmail.com]

Sent: Monday, August 13, 2007 11:57 AM

To: TV on the INTERNETS

Subject: Re: FW: Sundance Doc winner "Manda Bala" opening @ Angelika next weekend! GO SEE THIS FANTASTIC FILM!

Body: have you seen this?

An exerpt from my emotional response:

You know, I hadn't yet, but I'm really glad I have...[EDIT]

So, you know, I've been simultaneously stoked and worried about this for some time now. On one hand, it sounds awesome. On the other, it's white people in India. And not just India, NORTH EAST INDIA, an area that holds pride in never falling to the Mughals, being the last to succumb to British Imperialism and now, apparently, the last to withstand the onslaught of white dudes with video cameras.

But if anyone had to do it I can't imagine anyone I'd be more comfortable with than Schwartzman and Anderson. I even saw a few other paliating names and faces in the trailer. Irfan Khan from the Namesake and Roman Coppola with a writing credit.

Also, you have to appreciate Anderson's style. The color schemes, the production design, the reproduction of reality so heavily steeped in theater and theatricality. Even the title is hilarious. The transcontinental trian in India is actually called The Darjeeling Express. I don't even know if a Darjeeling Limited even exists. That alone makes me believe that this movie will be awesome but will be ruined by legions of hardcore Anderson loyalists who will either blindly adore the movie or irrationally hate it. This seems like one of those flicks I'd like to see alone in the dark. With a comforter and someone nearby to carry me into bed. That part may sound weird but fuck you for being such a phillistine.

Sweet trailer. Thanks.

Sincerely,
TV on the INTERNETS

Entourage: The Young, White and Stoned

August 12th's episode of Entourage seems to represent an upswing in the creative energies and motivations at HBO, Leverage and Closest to the Hole, the production teams behind the series. After a dismal run of episodes revolving around cheap, sophomoric gags like "rim jobs," "trannies" and "furries," it seems Doug Elin, et al. are finally back on track and serving up legitimate plot points that follow the bread crumbs out of the narrative quagmire of Medallin.

An entire half season arc dedicated to Perry Reeves' character "Walsh" and the team's production nightmares revolving around the Escobar bio-pic taxed the commitment of even the most loyal fans of the show, who can now finally be satisfied that the show is back on track and near the pitch-perfect levels of seasons 1 and 2.

Together with last weeks' episode, last night's installment "The Young and the Stoned" pushed us into new territory with the launch of Eric's new business and the prospect of another client. The writing was fresh, the plot lines were humorous and the tone was just what you needed to send your arms into the air and scream in the face of a dwindling summer, "VICTORY."

First time Entourage contributor Dusty Kay penned the script and along with TV director Ken Whittingham could claim primary responsibility for the show's return to excellence. Kay's been out of the game since his last contribution to television in 2002 for The Twilight Zone series. Clocking in at nearly 50 years old, Kay doesn't seem like the kind of person whose mind would provide the fertile soil for a plot line centered on "extinct weed." In the end though, he pulled off the pacing and came away with one of the finer episodes of the season.

Even more intriguing than the "cincogenarian" who grimaced through arthritis to pen the script is the presence of an African-American director for a show that, to my knowledge, hasn't had a black guy open his mouth on screen for a little bit now. Ken Whittingham last directed the marginally funny episode "Sorry, Harvey" which contained the memorable "trannicles" at the end. This time around the former director of episodes for more diverse shows like "One on One" and "Everybody Hates Chris" brought back the youthful exuberance that's made Entourage such a summer time hit.

Still, it's surprising to see a show whose title has primarily been associated with hip-hop stars storming the red carpet and brawls opening up in crowded Las Vegas lobbies center around only white characters whose closest encounter with an entourage most closely reminiscent to the nineties hip-hop prototypes ended with Wee-bey from "The Wire" dangling Drama off a hotel balcony in season 3.

Still, as white-bred as Entourage remains, it seems to be back on track. Hopefully the last 3 episodes will bring us out of summer on an exuberant wave that has us looking back on Season 4 with a fond and satisfied sigh of "Victory."

Takes Balls to Bring Vampires to HBO

I believe there are 2 main reasons why Vampire shows have been relatively nonexistent on television over the past few years. First, no one wants to be compared to Buffy. And second, a show about vampires in the age of new media is begging for an unoriginal blogger with a Typepad business account to make a "This Show Sucks (Blood)" headline.

Leave it to Alan Ball, however, to grab the undead by the incisors and bring True Blood to HBO come January 2008. On its surface the show seems like standard HBO fare.

• Take convoluted conceit (Drifters in the West : Vampires in the South)
• Place flawed characters in a location that becomes a metaphor for existence (Mobsters in suburban New Jersey ; Struggling Rock Band in Manhattan)
  
• Use hook of outlandish premise to lure audience into yet another character drama that ruminates on the themes of love, family and mortality

Based on the books by Charlaine Harris, True Blood has a lot to aspire to if the original author's website is any indication of the quality of her work. Judging by her frequented message boards and fastidiously updated blog it would seem Charlaine Harris' stories are less John Berendt and Faulkner than a healthy mix of Ann Rice and J.K. Rowling.

Even Ball admitted to the lighter tone planned for the series.

"The books are funny, scary, sexy, romantic, bizarre and really fun," Ball said. "I couldn't put them down. I will try to remain as true to the spirit of her book as possible."

He continued,

"I was ready to do something a little lighter in tone than 'Six Feet,"' Ball said. "Five years of staring into the abyss was enough."

He wasn't kidding about that lighter tone. Several of the writers slated to produce pieces for True Blood have backgrounds in sitcom and prepubescent sci-fi. Brian Buckner, for example, was nominated for 2 Emmys as a co-producer on Friends and later contributed to the ill-fated programs Joey and The Class. Raelle Tucker came from writing stints on Supernatural.

Things on the production end don't seem that much more esteemed. Production manager Bill Johnson's most notable credits are Executive Producing A Walk to Remember and acting as Unit Production Manager on Malibu's Most Wanted. Checco Varese as cinematographer doesn't look like he'll bring much in terms of mind-blowing aesthetics, either, with his most outstanding achievement a collection of Dave Mathews Band videos.

It is HBO, however, the home of The Sopranos, Deadwood, Entourage, Six Feet Under and so many other productions that boast incomparable achievement in the field of Set and Art Design. True Blood's one saving grace and harbinger for modest success seems to lie in Suzuki Ingerslev, whose art direction seems to be partially responsible for HBO's reputation as not just TV.

Come January, however, we'll see if HBO really can trump Buffy as the definitive small screen portrayal of Vampires. Or if, in the end, True Blood really will underwhelm and prompt millions of headlines across the blogosphere to claim True Blood Sucks (Alan) Balls.

Why Paul Haggis Won't Be Nominated For Another Oscar in 2008

A friend of mine and I have a tendency, when we imbibe, to make inane bets. What celebrity seems most likely to be illiterate? (Answer: Billy Crudup)

A few weeks ago he lay the gauntlet once more and asserted, "I bet you Paul Haggis will be nominated for another Oscar this year." After watching the pathetic demise of The Black Donnellys on NBC, I figured this probably wasn't going to be Haggis' year and I took the bet. Now, we won't know for certain until the nominations come out early 2008, but I believe the evidence below irrefutably shows that the reign of Paul Haggis has come to an end.

I mean can you honestly cop the emotional score from an Oliver Stone trailer that came out less than 24 months before and still expect to be rewarded with the industry's highest honor in artistic achievement? Oh right, this is the Oscars. Probably.

In the Valley of Elah



World Trade Center

Whoa-Man Studies

A response to "Lunatic Feminist Doesn't Understand Concept of "High Concept"; Attractive Woman meets Attractive Man ≠ Funny" posted at Cosmodrome.

Katha Pollitt's critique on American manhood is nothing new to those familiar with Micaela Deleonardo, Tessie Liu or other members of Northwestern University's Gender Studies Department. What is new is that a movie with the phrase "If we get laid tonight it's because of Eric Bana in Munich!" rouses as much debate about contemporary masculinity as Ellis' in your face satire American Psycho.

Two years ago, yours truly announced the arrival of the under-whelming, under-achieving, under-the-influence twenty-something, the Beta Male in the HTML of Sneer Magazine, which is now unfortunately defunct.

Around the same time, that slacker lothario of yore Benjamin Kunkel, who provided us the convenience of binding all our toilet paper with the publishing of Indecision, became the spokesperson for the listless lad in this Salon article.

And now it's Denby in the New Yorker and Pollitt again at the Nation decrieing the devolution of the alpha male into a castrated stoner who DVR's South Park reruns even though he already owns the DVDs.

What does this mean for dudes, Appatow or the box office of Superbad? Most likely nothing. But props to Judd for wrapping his hairy-ass Robin Williams knuckles around this cultural zeitgeist and ushering in a new panic regarding a slacker who's sperm count is so low he's confident there's NO WAY he can get someone pregnant.

Katha Pollit's not a lunatic and neither are the critics who are honestly concerned about the state of the Ameri-Man. It's a debate that's been raging for the past few years, only now Seth Rogen is the Donald Logue du-jour.

The real question remains, however: What the fuck is Michael Cerra going to do?