Aber-Obama & Fitch?

Aber-Obama and Fitch? Damn, CNN, even we don't have the gall to let a pun that insidious seep on to the webs. Maybe if you didn't spend so much time trying to make plays on words you wouldn't have been scooped by TV on the Internets.

Fall On Boy

With Conan O'Brien scheduled to take over Jay Leno's post at the tonight show next year, NBC has begun in earnest its search for the heir to Conan's desk and swivel chair. The odds on favorite at the moment is SNL alum Jimmy Fallon, who enjoyed a stint of popularity culminating in performances as host of the MTV Video Music Awards in the late '90s (see below). Since then it's been more laid back for Fallon whose music and film career quickly fizzled after signing off for the last time behind the Weekend Update desk.

Though seemingly arbitrary, NBC's decision to put Fallon on the Late Night short list actually stems from the comic's apparent proficiency in the field. During David Letterman's health related leave of absence following invasive heart surgery, Fallon assumed hosting duties and demonstrated a talk show savvy intuition and sense of timing.

NBC's consideration of Fallon as the follow-up to Conan the Contrarian didn't initially excite Late Night fans. Support has been mounting, however, since the media has floated Dane Cook and Carson Daley as other possible candidates. No word yet as to whether Fallon will bring along as his rotund and amicable sidekick fellow SNL graduate, Horatio Sanz, who with Fallon perfected the smug on-air crackup that became the duo's signature hook and probably more notorious than any of their other recurring SNL characters, such as Hampshire College students Jarret and Gobi, Nick Burns, your company computer guy, and the Leather Man. The opportunity may be hard to pass up, though, considering the already established similarities between Paul Schaffer and Sanz's impression of Sir Elton John.

Summuna Fitch

Obama may have lost the Pennsylvania primary but he apparently made up for his lackluster performance among the over 60 crowd with big pull in the mall demographic.

Can someone please tell the Obama campaign to do a better job of selecting the bodies to populate his backdrop during his concession speeches? Nothing inspires less confidence than a campaign leadership obtuse enough to put Barrack Obama in front of 3 white dudes wearing tee shirts from Abercrombie & Fitch, a clothing retailer once involved in a class action law suit for discriminating against Asian and African American job applicants.

CNN, C-riously?

Superbowl XLII proved that over-hyped, live television sporting events are still the best way to congregate eyeballs. CNN is apparently picking up on that strategy and priming viewers for the closest thing basic cable can offer as a comparison to big-level sports - Roger Clemens testifying live before congress about what he did or did not put into his butt.

OBAMAGEDDON: BUSH'S LAST STAND! TONIGHT ONLY!

Celebrate Pres. Bush's final State of the Union Address and the beginning of countdown to Obamageddon tonight by joining TV on the INTERNETS in our 6th annual Annheiser Bush State of the Union Drinking Game.

We usually draw up our own elaborate rules involving teams and archetypes (examples: The formerly liberal but increasingly conservative as he considers a mortgage on a condo in Brooklyn Columbia Law student; the jaded minority that keeps trying to flip the channel to NBA basketball), but the event kind of snuck up on us this year so we're just going to link to some other dude's rules that we're going to use and spice up with some stereotypes (if the President refers to Israel as "the Holy Land" take one shot and cheers with a L'Chaim!).

Brobama: Writing Durrrrty

Yeah, I know, we all got massive broners watching Obama's Iowa Victory Speech on January 3rd but there was more than his affected proselytizing prose that rubbed my rod the wrong way.

First, is a booming baritone vibrato allowed in any public speaking venue outside of a pulpit or a lectern on the Mall?

Second, is a 26-year-old white kid named Jon Favreau really responsible for those bombastic phrases that draw such easy parallels to a white guy doing an impression of a black guy doing an impression of a black guy? Apparently, yes.

As evinced by this January 20th New York Times article everyone and their dad is in love with Obama's broratory skills. What would Obama say, they ask. My answer: Whatever Nixon already has.

Let's take a comparative look at Obama's Iowa Victory Speech from 2008 and Richard Nixon's second Republican nomination acceptance speech in 1972 and see if any similarities immediately jump out.

Nixon: "Speaking in a very personal sense, I express my deep gratitude to this convention for the tribute you have paid to the best campaigner in the Nixon family-my wife Pat. In honoring her, you have honored millions of women in America who have contributed in the past and will contribute in the future so very much to better government in this country."

Obama: "And while I'm at it on thank yous, I think it makes sense for me to thank the love of my life, the rock of the Obama family, the closer on the campaign trail.Give it up for Michelle Obama."

Nixon: "I want to say that you have inspired us with your enthusiasm, with your intelligence, with your dedication at this convention. You have made us realize that this is a year when we can prove the experts' predictions wrong..."

Obama: "You know, they said this day would never come. They said our sights were set too high...But on this January night, at this defining moment in history, you have done what the cynics said we couldn't do."

Nixon: "This Nation proudly calls itself the United States of America. Let us reject any philosophy that would make us the divided people of America.In that spirit, I address you tonight, my fellow Americans, not as a partisan of party, which would divide us, but as a partisan of principles, which can unite us...And I ask you, my fellow Americans, tonight to join us not in a coalition held together only by a desire to gain power. I ask you to join us as members of a new American majority bound together by our common ideals."

Obama: "In lines that stretched around schools and churches, in small towns and in big cities, you came together as Democrats, Republicans and independents, to stand up and say that we are one nation. We are one people...You said the time has come...To end the political strategy that's been all about division, and instead make it about addition. To build a coalition for change that stretches through red states and blue states."

Nixon: "The choice in this election is not between radical change and no change. The choice in this election is between change that works and change that won't work."

Obama: "We're choosing unity over division, and sending a powerful message that change is coming to America."

Nixon: "I ask you, my fellow Americans, to join our new majority not just in the cause of winning an election, but in achieving a hope that mankind has had since the beginning of civilization. Let us build a peace that our children and all the children of the world can enjoy for generations to come."

Obama: "Hope is the bedrock of this nation. The belief that our destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by all those men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be."

Bill Pullman: "We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests...We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"

GUYCON ALERT!

I don't know what color would express the highest level of Guycon Alert but I'm pretty sure it's probably something like BRORANGE.

If you watch the Macworld 2008 video, pay particularly close attention to 24:35. It's at this point that Jobs drops what may be the NUTSIEST thing I've ever seen him do. Unfortunately, I can't extend this to the nutsiest thing I've ever seen any CEO do because I read that book Barbarians at the Gate about the fall of RJR Nabisco and it was like cerebrally epic the extent to which corporate culture has come to represent the most primitive of carnal aggression.

Anyway, it's when he's talking about what other movie studios have joined iTunes in its online renting endeavor. It's pretty sick. Menjoy.

CSI: Second Life After Life

Today, USA Today dropped this article reflecting on the success of big brand media companies eating up smaller web upstarts. How's the formula worked out so far? You decide.

News Corp + Myspace = Facebook the most popular thing ever

NBC + iVillage = a 4th hour added to the Today show

Conde Nast + reddit.com = you Digg everything, not reddit.

Clearly something's being lost in the translation from old media to new. Take for example CBS, whose acquisitions of web upstarts over the past year make for some of the largest activity in the industry. After sinking money into Second Life contributors Electric Sheep, CBS apparently found itself with a new, unwieldy media platform on its hand that does not fit conservative models of content distribution.

CBS' response? Obviously to cram their new, shiny round peg into whatever raggedy-ass square hole they can find. And as we all know, there ain't no square hole more raggedy than the CSI franchise.

Starting this fall, CBS will try to branch into the virtual space with CSI: New York plot lines that take Gary Sinise's character into Second Life in pursuit of a virtual killer. Yup, you read right. CSI is actually taking the plot of Virtuosity, starring Denzel and Russel Crowe and trying to make it culturally relevant to people who drink so much Amp they trade currency in kidney stones.

TVOTI's prediction? D.O.A.

Update! Hard Science!

Turns out Kolata don't know a whole lotta.

In a previous post on the NY Times article on Math, Stats and Sex I facetiously suggested one variable not considered in the statistics used to tabulate the different number of sexual partners between the sexes was the meretricious nature of women and the men who hit it with many of them...at the same time. Surely that could explain the difference between the same population of men and women having significantly varying numbers of sexual partners. If one guy sleeps with three girls at one time, then his numbers soar by 3 while each of the ladies only tack on one, single, lonely notch in their bedposts.

Granted, that's not the most scientific interpretation and I'm a pretty huge idiot so that's, in all likelihood, not a factor responsible for what Gina Kolata described as the difference between the median number of sexual partners of men and women.

Eugene Volokh over at his blog, however, broke the numbers down a little more judiciously and proves why those science articles, even if printed on the venerable presses of the New York Times, are always subject to interpretation and never actually represent hard science.

**Update**

Since some of TV on the INTERNETS readers were humanities majors in college and haven't dealt with an integer since they dropped Calc 2-14 Freshman year, allow us to provide a brief explanation of what Volokh's saying in Lame Man's terms.

Gina Kolata and The New York Times said the median number of sexual partners for men is significantly higher than that of women. Logically, they explain, this is not possible since the population of men and women would not allow for such a large difference of mates between the two sexes. Therefore, men are most likely lying.

Volokh, however, points out the ridiculous slant of the statisticians and their choice to use the median as any indication of sexual activity. For example, if 5 men sleep with 13 women, their average will be 2.6 women per 1 man. If 5 women sleep with 13 men, their average too will be 2.6 men per 1 woman. The two populations are therefore equal in their sexual activity.

However, by using the median as a statistical tool to analyze sexual behavior, Gina Kolata and her "Doctors" just find a way to put a new spin on a very commonplace situation. If, using our original example, 3 of those 5 guys have 3 partners each and 2 of those 5 guys have 2 partners each, then both our average and total stay the same but our median becomes 3.

Still sticking with our original example, if 3 of our women each have just 1 male partner but 2 of the women have 5 male partners then, while our average and total number of men still stay the same (2.6 and 13 relatively) our median becomes only 1.

According to this formula the median sexual partners for our 5 men dwarfs the median sexual partners for our 5 women even though 2 of our hypothetical sluts have more partners than all of our 5 dudes.

The article, therefore, doesn't reveal any new science, just a different way to interpret some pretty standard shit. Thanks Vagina Kolata. Thanks a lotta.

Current TV Injures Shoulder Patting Itself on Back After Announcing Launch of Hip Music Content Video Blog

Current TV has been around for about 2 1/2 years struggling to be the hip center of the new media movement. Al Gore founded the network to give voice to the growing phenomenon of User Generated Content in early 2005.

A lot has happened in the realm of UGC in the past 30 months, however, and very little of it to do with Current TV. Now, I was one of the early fans of the network but the channel was borderline unwatchable. Not so much because of the content submitted by viewers, but by the offensively sterile personalities recruited by the network to represent hip, smart and engaged youth.

Can you imagine anything worse than getting hip and savvy news from this?

Gotham Chopra, contributor Current TV. Also, co-creator of K Lounge, the Kama Sutra themed bar in Manhattan that was kind of bumping that one time I went at like 5:30 on a Wednesday.

Or this?

Conor Knighton, Current TV Contributor

Or this?

Max and Jason, Contributors to Current TV. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

The corn-ball personalities they chose as their faces and the minimal success of Current TV begs the question - is San Francisco too gay to be cool?

Apparently, yes:



But in case you're still on the fence, now's the time to find out. News came out today that Current TV is launching a Music-Video blog to air frequently on the network. The segment will apparently fill the void left by channels like MTV, VH1 and BET abandoning their ostensible objectives of music programming. By focusing on "up-and-coming" acts like Dizzy Rascal (who I'm pretty sure has been kind of huge both in the UK and the US for almost 5 years now), Current TV will ipso facto become the go-to destination for mainstream music news.

There's only one problem. The address for Current TV:

118 King Street
San Francisco, CA 94107p
(415) 995-8200
f (415) 995-8201

Yup, that's the Bay Area and nothing cool having to do with white people has come out of San Francisco since Judd scored Pam the Asian on the Real World.

Even worse, Current TV prides itself on its lame locale and unashamedly provides visitors to its site a link to a Google Map showing you from exactly where that stench of smug mediocrity you find in Trader Joes grocery stores and poetry slams originates.

Current TV can encourage you to FTP them cell phone videos of My Morning Jacket live at Lollapalooza until its XML is blue in the face. That won't change what has always been the case. San Francisco's just too lame to be cool.

The Freshman 13

Obviously my brandished (s)Words of Wit have compelled NBC to listen to the silent majority and issue six more scripts for this season's best new comedy, "30 Rock." Like seriously. Watch this shit from the second episode and tell me if you've ever laughed out loud to something that in any other situation would be construed as racial solidarity.



So, you know, stay snarky, San Diego.

In related though less triumphant news, ABC has decided to pull "The Nine" and let its unresolved though melodramatic story unfold over the remaining 13 episodes to air later next year. With The Nine's cancellation, we will no longer see Tim Daly's familiar mug on the screen (unless USA cowers to TV on the Internets like NBC and brings back reruns of Wings) leaving the public with only one remaining Wings cast member, Steven Weber on Studio 60, standing. Okay, that's not true. Shalhoub's still on Monk. But seriously. That's Monk. And USA. The Aeropostale of cable.

TV on the Internets is still awaiting a response from two girls that went to college with some chick on The Nine and told me this show would be one to watch.

AOTC: NATO

It stands for ahead of the curve. Which is what I am. Usually. Take for instance my claim in early 2002 that sweater jackets (swackets) for men would become the "new look." Four years passed and it didn't look like it was going to pan out. But wait, what's that portentous image with a grown out faux-hawk? Oh right, my point. Cause he proved it.

Time now for my next prediction. Though more macabre in nature and serious in tone, it nonetheless falls into the category of accurate shit that I predict. This week NATO leaders will meet in Riga and the issue of Afghanistan will top the reunion's agenda. With the global war on terror weighing heavy on peripheral allies who no longer see the point in sacrificing for America's self interest, NATO countries have seriously considered lowering if not totally withdrawing the troops they have committed to the Afghanistan campaign. How can the US stop this? Easy. Scare the shit out of somebody.

I am predicting that today's Sunday Morning talk shows as well as the upcoming weekly news cycle will focus on increasing violence in Afghanistan in order to pressure the international community publicly into recommitting to the war against the now defunct Taliban.

An admission of my total ignorance or a justification for why I was probably secretly right though nothing I prophesized came into fruition will follow after the meeting.