Douche Bags of the Week

The cast of MTV's Entourage reality show - TwentyFourSeven. I haven't watched nearly enough to mount an appropriate critique but it's definitely not as good as Rob & Big.

Meta Tarses

I'm home for the holidays in the Midwest and my dad's refusing to give me any wine because I've already taken 2 Sudafed pills for a cold he's probably responsible for by voting Republican then refusing to turn on the heat because of high oil prices. In my alcohol-less stupor I've been relegated to watching My Boys on the plasma wrapped in an afghan on a leather chair that awkwardly matches my skin tone.

As my thighs started to congeal to my track pants under the intense heat generated by my immobility I noticed an awkward screenshot of the Match.com homepage during a scene of My Boys that had really nothing to do with the episode's overarching narrative. Some google-ing later I found that I was probably the last TV blogger this side of Taipei to know about the groundbreaking deal struck between Match.com and TBS for full sponsorship of the freshman series. Needless to say, an angry phone call to the TV on the INTERN back in New York ensued, which is when I heard that according to the New York Times:

“It’s a fully integrated campaign that feels less like a sponsorship or advertisement and more like a part of the program,” he added.

In threading Match.com through the episodes of “My Boys,” Mr. Safka said, “it has to feel seamless and natural,” otherwise it could annoy or even alienate viewers.

Now, I don't know if a random screenshot constitutes either seamless or natural, but the new media side of me kind of smiles at the notion of TV advertising taking risks on original programming on basic cable channels. You go, TBS. You go, Match.com. And you know what? You fucking go too, Dr. Phil.

On a related note, the fucking NYT also had to be the one to break to me that My Boys executive producer Jamie Tarses was the inspiration for Jordan McDeere, the Amanda Peet character on Studio 60 and the Sunset Strip. Born in 1964, she was the youngest creative exec at ABC in the mid '90s, and I as I sit on this mocha colored couch watching faux Chicago sitcoms sweating through my Sudafed-induced haze and City Sports track pants, I realize, branded entertainment isn't the worst thing in the world and I could use people like Jamie Tarses as role-models in my life because I'm in the Midwest, watching TBS, with a cold because of the Republicans.

AOTC: Rolling Stones Gather No Cred

Back in November I posted a meandering manifesto on why NBC's "Heroes" sucks. Three weeks later Lesley Savage wrote in the December 14th issue of Rolling Stone what could be considered an anachronistic rebuttal. You know, three weeks before she made her points I countered them on this blog thereby subverting some sort of logical temporal relationship between point/counter-point argumentation. For instance:

I said:

[Heroes] is written by Tim Kring, a gentleman (who knows, he might be an asshole) whose past television and writing credits offer nothing to intimate an organic familiarity with comic books or the aesthetic of comic lore.

Lesley said:

"...Heroes transcends sci-fi-loving nerds. 'We wanted to make sure that we weren't just a genre-based show,' says Kring, who never reads comic books.'" (my emphasis)

Translation = let's embrace Heroes as watered-down comic book fiction even though it performs the same function as a Jessica Simpson cover of a classic rock song - all tits, no authentic connection to the material.

I said:

It's just not geeky enough.

Lesley said:

"IT'S NOT TOO GEEKY" (her emphasis, not mine)

Translation = not geeky means not detailed and nuanced which means cheesy which means perfect for white chicks named Lesley.

I said:

It is a soap opera with lazy dramatic writing techniques to mask the holes in its supposed mystery.

Lesley said:

(quoting Kring) "We're just the opposite of most shows...It's not like a tank of gas that runs out. We generate more twists and turns the more we reveal...If you're positing that there are people all over the world with powers, it's an endless supply."

Translation = We make the show up as we go; there is no long term plot structure and we're going to keep stretching things out as long as the sponsors ask.

I said:

Third, and most importantly, where's the show's overarching metaphor? Heroes is nothing without its Christ figure. Nothing without its Holocaust themes. Nothing without the political subtext necessary to make a comic book the innocent representation of the ugly truths adults rationalize with the principles of capitalism, realism, safety and pragmatism.

Lesley said:

"While the show works as fantasy, it also reflects the world we live in...In times of war, superhero movies do well because we need a break from grim reality."

Translation = Hm, I have no capacity to critically interpret the events of history and therefore must rely on contrived analyses of current events to establish a metaphor for my show. Sorry, Kring and Savage, but that bullshit figurative speech could be said about anything from why people like Two and A Half Men (buddy comedies reinforce the importance of friendship in these trying times of alienation and anxiety) to 24 (contemporary Westerns allow viewers to sublimate their fears of Arabs in the gunslinger ethos of a man who's more Cowboy than our current jingoist President).

Sorry, Lesley. Consider yourself re-rebutted.

Kennedy Center Boners

For any of you wondering who that fine looking lady sitting next to Condoleezza Rice was during Tuesday's Kennedy Center Honors tribute, I did a little research and found out it was not the Secretary of State's secret hot sister but rather Smokey Robinsons' probably not that hot in real life wife, Frances Robinson.

Model Minority Report

One of the primary purposes of this site, in addition to complaining about excessive recaps of Veronica Mars and Eureka episodes on other TV blogs, is to extol the successes of South Asians in the fields of media and entertainment. Yeah, I know. Mad cliche, you're thinking. This Indian dude sweats other Indians who've actually made it in the biz with the hopes that one of them will solicit a spec script or at least introduce him to Sarita Chowdhury's breasts. Yeah, that's about right on the money.

Indians are like kinda almost something of anything in the 'Wood.

To honor my intentions of South Asian solidarity, I pause before commenting on the Writer's Guild Award nominations to draw individual attention to a couple South Asians who scored big in '06.

EPISODIC COMEDY — any length — one airing time

Jump for Joy (My Name is Earl), Written by Vali Chandrasekaran; NBC

COMEDY SERIES

The Office, Written by Steve Carell, Jennifer Celotta, Greg Daniels, Lee Eisenberg, Brent Forrester, Ricky Gervais, Mindy Kaling, Paul Lieberstein, Stephen Merchant, B.J. Novak, Michael Schur, Justin Spitzer, Gene Stupnitsky; NBC

Yeah, we all know about Mindy Kaling. That chick from Curb and 40YOV who sold all those scripts to like Search Light or something, but she's no Tina Fey so I'm not really going to worry about it. Check out Vali's blog, however, maybe find your way to his McSweeney's posts, his Crimson columns, and make up your mind for yourself whether he's the real deal or just some financial consultant who got bored with his job in San Fran and decided to try his hand at this whole being funny thing.

TVnasty

Since I got into the TV blogging business I've fielded many questions in cars, coffee shops and chat rooms about why anyone in their right mind would want to get into the sordid world of infrequently updated posts on reality TV and quirky cult wonders with sapphic subtexts. Truth is the world's not all that sordid - mostly just exasperating and overrun by loud chicks who spend commercial breaks bedazzling their mouse pads.

Take, for instance, Exhibit number A. The TVnista blog at TVguide.com. From what I gather from her posts, she's 25. How do I know this? Because her favorite show until this year was A Different World. Now, it's The Wire. Seriously. And what makes this Quarter-Lifer worth listening to when it comes to analysis and critique of mass media? Obviously her uncanny ability to feign total retardation as well as regurgitate shit she's read elsewhere to affect an aura of, "I know what the fuck I'm talking about."

TVnista on "The Best Returning Show of the Season: The Wire"

This gritty drama makes you flinch, but for good reasons, by turning a camera on the urban realities so many people live in quiet desperation. Often I have to pinch myself to remind myself that I’m not watching a documentary, but instead, a work of fiction.

Ah yes, what would a review of The Wire be without a totally unnecessary and unoriginal allusion to a classic piece of literature. Do me a favor and don't tell TVnista that The Wire actually developed out of the HBO miniseries "The Corner," a veritable documentary of what David Simon saw as a beat reporter for the Baltimore Sun.

TVnista goes on to list her second favorite "Breakout Hit of the Season: Friday Night Lights." And here, friends, is why I got into the TV blogging bidness. Because comments like this:

Here’s another show, like The Wire, that can often feel like a documentary. It does have a film-like quality, but I could do without the shaky camera. It makes me a bit nauseous.

...by people like TVnista, in this age of YOU are the PERSON of the Year, may actually have some sort of affect on the shows normal people reasonably enjoy. New Media may be the future but it also threatens to dismantle the institutions we have, over the years, come to embrace as immutable. Yeah, I got into the TV Blog scene mostly to score a free Lost t-shirt, but what started as a campaign for J.J. Abrams e-bay fodder has become an (j)E-had for taking TV back from the TVnistas, starting in the nearest car, coffee shop and chat room I can find.

The Wire: Sucking Dickens

Yeah, muthafucka; this shit's muthafuckin' good! Where the fuck you been? You some muthafuckin' Phillistine, muthafucka?

It's the end of the year, and every critic vying for a Best Week Ever Pundit Spot is tallying their own Big in '06 list. Peter Traverse is doing it. Matt Rousch is doing it. Shit, I'm sure some white chick in flannel PJ's in Ames, IA with a dog named Paul Anka is doing it on her very own web log right now.

Despite the numerous perspectives and impassioned testimonials for shows that lost their oxen while trying to ford the mainstream, somehow all these litanies of taste have way more in common than the inherent individuality of personal preference should allow. Number 9 - let me guess, um, Heroes? Number 6 - Battlestar Galactica? No shit. Number 2 - The Office. Number 4 - Weeds. Word. And number 1? Who gets to unanimously claim the sweet, satisfying, sprawling, superior, smart, smug Number 1 Spot? Yeah, muthafucka, The muthafuckin' Wire.

No other show this season has garnered as much pretentious critical acclaim as HBO's serialized drama about the city of Baltimore and the cops, hustlers, corner kids and hatchet men that make the city's streets teem more seamy than Ann Petry's The Narrows.

And there, my readers, lay the problem. Is it possible, I ask you, to critique The Wire as just a television show and not a modern literary masterpiece? What is it about David Simon's "searing indictment" of "race, class, poverty and power" in a "contemporary urban landscape" that gives critics the license to wax poetic like the obsequious interns of Stanley Edgar Hyman.

Examples of overwrought literary similes:

This is TV as great modern literature, a shattering and heartbreaking urban epic about a city (Baltimore) rotting from within.
- Matt Rousch, TV Guide

…an astonishing display of writing, acting and storytelling that must be considered alongside the best literature and filmmaking in the modern era.
- Tim Goodman, San Francisco Chronicle

A vibrant, masterful work of art, HBO’s novelistic urban saga The Wire is the best show on television.
- Robert Abele, LA Weekly

"The Wire" is as complex a picaresque as one is likely to find this side of Dickens.
- Tony Norman, Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Oh, and how about gratuitous references to Charles Dickens that wear off as effective descriptions when overused as adjectives like "Dickensian?"

"...sprawling and justifiably lauded Dickensian crawl through its web of stories centering on the inner Baltimore drug trade"
- Filmcritic.com

"[The Wire] is constructed like a great novel … so far, we’ve had 50 chapters … with lots of characters (it’s Dickensian that way), with lots of plot threads."
- Some dude named Stephen

"each 12- or 13-episode season attains a breadth and attention to detail like one of those Dickensian social realist novels championed by Tom Wolfe."
- Curt Holman, Creative Loafing.com

So there you have it. Apparently The Wire is not only the best show on TV, but it's also literary, Dickensian and downright, motherfucking awesome.

Sexter

In October Showtime premiered its latest original series "Dexter" starring Michael C. Hall. Based on the serial-killer novels by Jeff Lindsay, Dexter has so far fulfilled the fucked up promises it extended to viewers through You Tube videos of mutilated corpses and insousciant poster art of disembodied arms.

What's most disturbing about this series, however, are not the dead hookers and ice truck killers but the pornographic tone that bleeds through all the violence. I know Showtime's going to be forever known as the home of Red Shoe Diaries, Queer as Folk and the L Word, but not ALL of their original shows need to be metaphors for sexual "dysfunction" do they?



Apparently. As the above clip shows, Dexter the series, at its core, seems to be the story of an emotionally, sexually repressed man who chooses to sublimate his sexuality through the transferred pleasure of violence. No, Dexter himself does not kill indiscriminately to satisfy prurient passions, but his awkward relationship with sister Deb's boyfriend and the inescapable aura of M.C. Hall as that guy from Six Feet Under (even Eric King's character in Dexter bears an uncanny resemblance to Hall's first season lover from SFU) do nothing to dispell Dexter the series' overall tone of homo-erotic snuff.

I didn't actually read Michael Warner's "The Trouble With Normal" but I knew some kids that did and eeked through enough Gender Studies classes myself during undergrad to assume that Warner's jist was normalcy as a social desirable served as a weapon to alienate and other homosexuals. Normalcy is nothing to aspire to, he probably argues, but something to reject as an overbearing and totalizing institutional power.

Dexter is not normal but makes his life work trying to be. The most subversive part of the show? Dexter working to uphold the law and compensate for its shortcomings instead of tearing that shit down. Or maybe that's where Dexter fails.

L.Y.L.A.S.

Ladies, you love Aaron Sorkin. And he loves you too. He may be the unanimous King of the TV drama over the past 8 years, inheriting the throne from such heavy weights as Dick Wolfe, Steven Bochco and David Milch, but Aaron Sorkin, as sm-ugly as he probably is, knows how to do the ladies. Between Amanda Peet's current character on Studio 60, Mary Louise Parker's feisty feminist on The West Wing and Felicity Huffman's TV sexecutive on Sports Night*, the Sorking has figured out how to write the sweet, rose-smelling shit out of his female characters.

In an industry continually blamed for propagating images of sexy bitches clamoring for the man and neurotic, single 30-somethings stressing over spinsterhood, Sorkin's mature, smart and sassy treatment of the women who populate his pages has become an indelible mark of his work. From Demi Moore in A Few Good Men to Annette Benning in The American President. From Stockard Channing to Allison Janney. From Anne Deavere Smith to that blubbering bitch Sam Seaborne. The verdict is clear like a mistrial against Colonel Jessup. Ladies Love A.S., and deep down in places you don't like to talk about at parties, you do too.

Yes, he's a smug ass-hole whose pedanticism rides that fine iline between intelligent and arrogant. Yes, his characters place far too much emphasis on institutionalized education (Simon Stiles went to Yale Drama School!), standardized test scores (Josh Lyman got a 760 on his SAT verbal!) and bourgeois tradition (Leo drinks Scotch!). Yes, Matt Albee is probably named after that dude who wrote "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf." But when Aaron Sorkin does Aaron Sorkin right he's the man who writes Josiah Bartlett's speeches, Lt. Kaffee's cross examinations and, most recently, this past Monday's Holiday episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

I'll admit I criticized the first leg of his foray back into television. But can you blame me? Crazy Christians this. Jerry Falwell that. Matthew Albee as an avatar of me implies I not only got laid a lot but was probably high when I won my Emmies. That shit can get grating like Debra Messing doing arias.

But now everything seems to be falling into place. Monday night's episode saw deft story-telling married with that staple of Sorkin sensibilities - sincerity. We love you the most, Aaron, not when you're cynical characters lambaste the Christian right, but when you make us believe in the better side of hetero male partnerships, corporate responsibility, federal machinations and strong, independent women who still want to get down. I hate to say it, Aaron, but we Love You Like A Sis.

*TV on the INTERNETS couldn't think of a gratuitous pun to describe how awesome C.J. Craig as press secretary was but "sexretary" was briefly considered. Briefly.

Family (Grey) Matters

I'll leave the recaplets and reviews to the other TV blogs out there. Does this show suck? Probably. Do I watch it reluctantly? Maybe. Do people fucking love it? Yup.

Despite the questionable casting call of enlisting the twins from VH1's Best Week Ever as conjoined adults, people love their Grey's Anatomy. First time writer for the show Carolina Paiz brought it with the script and veteran cinematographers Adam Kane (Boondock Saints, Heroes, episode 1) and Tim Suhrstedt (everything) delivered with compelling cinematography. But the real stars of the show? Ah, those endearing themes.

With the title "Don't Stand So Close to Me" and story lines revolving around dependence, independence, reliance and, um, science Thursday's episode brought the issue of family to the fore. Mom rejects daughter; daughter rejects half-sister; McHomophobe rejects McDreamy; and Meredith needs Christina like Kathy Lee needs Regis. Since the characters of Grey's are so amorous with each other, why the viewers gotta be so irate?

Seems like the soapy nature of Grey's Season 3 sullied up the previous go to forum for GA fans:

Could it be that the inane, childish, kindergarten mentality of the majority of the posts have driven the moderators to hide away and wait for you guys to GROW UP!

Who's sexier? Who's cuter? Who's dress was ugly? I think Mer is a whore!

I think that what we need is a board exclusively for people who use OMG! as a regular preamble to their posts, who start polls on sexiness etc.

SERIOUSLY, I don't even like coming on here anymore, and I am probably the only moderator you have left

So where have they all gone?

Members of GA Online have MOVED
Hi. I'm just making yet another topic about the new forum. I just want you guys to know about it, in case some have not heard. A lot of us have moved to a new board, First Cut. The mods and admin on this board are no longer active, and it has become flooded with spam. This was the main reason for the change.

So if you would like to join us at the new forum here is the link.

http://thefirstcut.proboards105.com/index.cgi *

So, you know, check it out. And don't forget the official Grey's Anatomy writers blog. See what Carolina Paiz has to say and show the family some love.

* Editors note: be ready for portmanteaus galore including Mer/Der, Lexzie...I'll stop there.

The Freshman 13

Obviously my brandished (s)Words of Wit have compelled NBC to listen to the silent majority and issue six more scripts for this season's best new comedy, "30 Rock." Like seriously. Watch this shit from the second episode and tell me if you've ever laughed out loud to something that in any other situation would be construed as racial solidarity.



So, you know, stay snarky, San Diego.

In related though less triumphant news, ABC has decided to pull "The Nine" and let its unresolved though melodramatic story unfold over the remaining 13 episodes to air later next year. With The Nine's cancellation, we will no longer see Tim Daly's familiar mug on the screen (unless USA cowers to TV on the Internets like NBC and brings back reruns of Wings) leaving the public with only one remaining Wings cast member, Steven Weber on Studio 60, standing. Okay, that's not true. Shalhoub's still on Monk. But seriously. That's Monk. And USA. The Aeropostale of cable.

TV on the Internets is still awaiting a response from two girls that went to college with some chick on The Nine and told me this show would be one to watch.

Hustler's R.O.M.E.

No, that graffiti on that poster isn't an ad for the new Jim Jones record. It's just HBO keeping it rilllllll.

The comment battles of course rage on like Antony and Cassius in the Forum. That is if Cassius was an incestual HBO message board with far too many homoerotic puns involving "phalynx" on a self-moderated "I would do him" list.

Hairmates

Trends tend to travel in tens. Ten years ago guitars were in. Now they're back. Ten years ago there was a Czhechoslovakia. Now there's not. You get the point. So it's only appropriate that ten years after Dr. Ross on ER served as the paragon of men's hairstyles a new Must See Doc has returned to fill the void. A resurrected trend himself, John Stamos is back and leads the charge in our gauge of who image-obsessed dudes are looking to for a hairmate.

I found out six weeks ago at my last haircut that the quickest way to alienate a non-english speaking "hair stylist" is to ask for the John Stamos. Hopefully his recurring role on ER as Parminder's paramour and upcoming made-for-TV movie will reintroduce his scruffy side-part into the popular pantheon of men's hair styles among Clooney, Caesar and...well...Clooney.



Then there's Josh Cooke, currently of ABC's "Big Day" and formerly of NBC's "Three Kings." Yeah, he seems to be suffering from some sort of Thomas Cavanagh complex with his over-eager affability but if Wendy Malick's falling for him his tressesessssss gotta be right.

Then of course there's the bottomless well of popular imagery for cool. No, not Saturday Night Live (sorry, Samberg) but the weekly cycle of Bud Light commercials. Popular Hairmate of the most recent series "I'm Just Here for the Bud Light" is the inimitable Todd Schischler. Okay, maybe it's not popular and maybe he's not inimitable but whatever. Ten years ago that shit would have been cool.

Great Moments in Obscurity: Nate Torrence

A recurring series on TV on the Internets will be an homage to TV actors who in limited roles leave a sizable impression, whether it be positive, annoying, quotable or, yup, forgettable. The first honoree is Nate Torrence. You may recognize him from a lackluster role on Studio 60 and the Sunset Strip or grating performances in Capital One and Enterprise Rent-a-car commercials.



For his tireless campaign from Ohio to Hollywood TV on the Internets half-assedly salutes Nate Torrence, today's icon of a great moment in obscurity.

AOTC: NATO

It stands for ahead of the curve. Which is what I am. Usually. Take for instance my claim in early 2002 that sweater jackets (swackets) for men would become the "new look." Four years passed and it didn't look like it was going to pan out. But wait, what's that portentous image with a grown out faux-hawk? Oh right, my point. Cause he proved it.

Time now for my next prediction. Though more macabre in nature and serious in tone, it nonetheless falls into the category of accurate shit that I predict. This week NATO leaders will meet in Riga and the issue of Afghanistan will top the reunion's agenda. With the global war on terror weighing heavy on peripheral allies who no longer see the point in sacrificing for America's self interest, NATO countries have seriously considered lowering if not totally withdrawing the troops they have committed to the Afghanistan campaign. How can the US stop this? Easy. Scare the shit out of somebody.

I am predicting that today's Sunday Morning talk shows as well as the upcoming weekly news cycle will focus on increasing violence in Afghanistan in order to pressure the international community publicly into recommitting to the war against the now defunct Taliban.

An admission of my total ignorance or a justification for why I was probably secretly right though nothing I prophesized came into fruition will follow after the meeting.

DJ WebSploitation

Maybe it's because an American History undergrad degree essentially translates to four years of studying social trends, but I'm pretty sure the 6 month arc seen by DJ Webstar's Chicken Noodle Soup provides a very specific answer to a question someone much smarter than me has asked. And it probably had the terms "contemporary," "blackness," "mimicry," and "class" in there somewhere.

Below find the beautiful trilogy that as a whole describes a social phenomenon. A trend in its past, present and future stages. Or in other words: organic, commercial and corporate. Add "Black," "Harlem" and "YouTube" into the mix and I'm pretty sure you got a strong sociology thesis on your hands.

Crass Roots



I came across this vid like 4 months ago when trying to see how exactly to pull the Chicken Noodle Soup dance off at an apartment warming party. Bedroom solo renditions of dances have become the unofficial heralding of the birth of a new trend.

106th and Propagate



In August (about 3 months after the original song hit the streets) BET's 106th and Park presents a conveniently "authentic" performance of the dance for a mass audience by young, Black Harlemites bringing their culture to devouring eyes...cable.

Dance, Dance, 10 cents per minute

And finally, we have Cingular's latest Ad campaign . I wonder what a 4 year undergrad marketing major would have to say.

Studio 60 and the Sunset Stalkers

Fans of the West Wing and Studio 60 being the wealthy, intelligent bunch that they are have taken over the old West Wing bulletin on nbc.com to vent their frustrations over the show and display their undying fealty to their Josiah Bartlet incarnate. This cryptic post, however, can only lead us to wonder, "What happened on that Studio 60 board?!"

"I will say this softly because I don't want it to lead to the slugfest that was supposedly responsible for the demise of the S60 board..."

Hm, I bet that belligerent Tom Jeter took his hatred of homosexual street thugs STRAIGHT to the web.

Heroes and Krings

I probably more so than anybody else sweat the shit out of the premier of "Heroes" on NBC this fall. I mean an Indian dude previously only seen in the background of surgical theater scenes in Grey's season 2 as an ensemble cast member with speaking roles? I mean, I'm there.

But then the show aired. There was a lame Sci-Fi send up of an opening sequence and a horrendous slo-mo musical montage involving fire and a cheerleader. I figured I couldn't be the only one who found this lame, cheesy and above all offensive. Genetic mutations? Hollow aphorisms of promise and destiny? No, this shit will NE'ER last.

Wow. Wrong. Nine episodes into the season Heroes is the breakthrough phenomenon of the year. The Fall Out Boy of Fall 2006. If they were a band they'd be featured on the soundtrack of the new Tony Hawk video game. You get the picture.

With the success of the show has come increasing criticism from friends, coworkers and my three readers. "How can you hate this show?" they ask, write and instant message, "It's, like, awesome!" Well, it ain't. And here's why.

First, it's written by Tim Kring, a gentleman (who knows, he might be an asshole) whose past television and writing credits offer nothing to intimate an organic familiarity with comic books or the aesthetic of comic lore. Chicago Hope and Crossing Jordan are more sap than sci-fi and not necessarily the pedigree you'd expect from someone heralded for redefining the prime-time sci-fi narrative.

Secondly, it's just not geeky enough. The effects are lackluster. The dialogue is painfully contrived. The plot is, well, plodding and the premise is offensively under-executed. It is a soap opera with lazy dramatic writing techniques to mask the holes in its supposed mystery. Tim Kring could have learned a thing or two from a master of network sci-fi, Chris Carter.

Third, and most importantly, where's the show's overarching metaphor? As we've learned from the comic book obsession of the past few years, with Superman Returning, Smallville finding syndication, Spiderman racking up the bucks, Aquaman breaking records, Frank L. Miller resurrecting not only his career but also that of the Dark Knight and Michael Chabon making up for "Mysteries of Pittsburgh" with "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay," these fairy tales of heroes and heroines are more than just stories told with moving pictures; they are archetypal lore steeped in metaphors for the salvation of humanity from the perennial evils of death, evil, hatred and sin.

Heroes is nothing without its Christ figure. Nothing without its Holocaust themes. Nothing without the political subtext necessary to make a comic book the innocent representation of the ugly truths adults rationalize with the principles of capitalism, realism, safety and pragmatism. Heroes is a cheap mimicry by a guy named Tim with an Indian dude who delivered better lines during his scenes of silence in that OTHER breakthrough show.

Heroes, Zeros and Weirdos

There have been many things I've been meaning to post about in the past month. How much NBC's "Heroes" blows (or does it?). How far NBC's "The Office" is slipping in quality and substance (told you so). How far above expectations NBC's "30 Rock" is consistently delivering (F the haters). And how far up its own butt NBC's "Studio 60" continues to crawl each week (BS site but whatever he agrees) .

With all that out in the open to be harped on again soon, I instead turn my attention to a larger question about the current state of Television as we wrap up the 1st quarter of the viewing season. Specifically the age old quandary of why bad shows out-perform good shows and why good shows have to get cancelled (See: Dateline to replace Friday Night Lights on Tuesday).

Let's start with this year's honoree as "The Best Show You're Not Watching," a dubious achievement formerly awarded to FOX's "Arrested Development." For 2006, it's NBC's "Friday Night Lights." One of the primary reasons I started these posts was to flex my Words Per Minute and defend shows like Friday Night Lights and "Kidnapped," which were clearly too good for network television to sustain. FNL's got its full season pick-up, however, and Kidnapped is wrapped for good after 13.

Another surprisingly solid show hitting its comedic stride during its second season is CBS's "How I Met Your Mother." Even after co-star and scene stealer NPH came out to People a few weeks ago, the show is still pulling in mediocre ratings (despite "Let's Go 2 the Mall" by Robin Sparkles somehow), which begs the question: how bad does a show have to be in order for it to be considered good?

The Office, Heroes, Criminal Minds, NCIS, Two and a Half Men, the list goes on and on of mediocre shows that find mass audiences through their watered down, accessible substance. Who's to blame? The networks for not sticking by fledgling franchises? The networks for not putting enough corporate muscle behind the commercial promotion of new, edgier shows? The public for not caring enough about television to waste time to wade through the bevy of new shows and gravitate toward the best and brightest? The writers and producers themselves who are too out of touch to be both relevant and engrossing?

Who knows. All I know is Seinfeld was successful and remains one of the greatest shows in the past 20 years. Who knows where it would stand in today's TV climate. Who knows how many times I'll say "who knows" in succession as a poor attempt at parallel structure? If it were to air today Seinfeld probably wouldn't receive the acclaim of "Worst Show For Some Reason You Are Watching." Nope. That shit would still go to Heroes.

Ummm, I think it's called nausea?

With Grey's Anatomy moved to Thursday nights and Desperate Housewives relying far too heavily on Eva Longoria's semi-clad tiny torso for ratings bumps, the only TV left to consume on Sundays is sports.

Sure, there's LPGA, MLS and NASCAR racing offered on networks major enough to only need a single digit but what Sundays in October really come down to are football and post-season MLB. The Sunday sports viewing sesh can be broken down into 3 segments: Morning, Afternoon and Night.


Morning's obviously noon pregame coverage for a 1:00 game. Afternoon's the second game of the afternoon at 4:00 EST. And Night is usually NBC's new Football Night In America and, for today, MLB on FOX's presentation of Game 2 of the World Series.

CBS and FOX have had standard Sunday football packages for the past several years. 2006, however, saw NBC break back into the football business by launching its own primetime Sunday football showdown to usurp the network share lost by Monday Night Football's move to ABC affiliate ESPN. NBC celebrated the launch of it's new sports show franchise with the lamest name it could possibly come up with: Sunday Night Football and its associated analysis program Football Night In America. Right when it seemed NBC couldn't get any whiter they spice up their promo video with a rap song lacking so much melanin that the unacknowledged perpetrator could only be MC Powder.

NBC's shortcomings as a sports network are only reinforced by a terrible presence in the field of digital media. Though its SNFONNBC website boasts pretty bad-ass graphics, it's really nothing more than a Flash window with sound effects ripped straight out of Tecmo Bowl. It's now week 6 of the NFL and NBC's football home page still hypes a Manning Bowl that took place two months ago.

MLB on FOX = Huge DB's on FOX

This weekend also saw the start of the World Series on FOX with Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, Ken Rosenthal and Chris Myers handling the live game coverage. A new addition to the pre and postgame coverage, however, is guest analyst Eric Byrnes, formerly of the Oakland A's, whom we have the pleasure of seeing every time the series returns to Detroit this year. If anyone saw the coverage they'll understand that the picture posted to the right does not nearly do justice to how big of a douche bag Byrnes actually is. Like, I don't know of any dictionaries that actually have pictures but, you know, if there happened to be one that existed and if it actually chose to water down its credentials as the only dictionary to have pictures by including definitions and illustrations for words like "douche bag" then I'm sure Eric Byrnes would be smugly staring back at us between entries for "doubtless" and "dough."

FNL, SNL, WTF?

Kyle Chandler stars in this Peter Berg television adaptation of the Peter Berg film adaptation of the Buzz Hissinger Book of the real-life-story "Friday Night Lights."

Let's try to clear things up. Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip airs on Monday nights and is about a sketch-comedy show that films on Friday Nights. Saturday Night Live IS a sketch comedy show that airs on Saturday nights, however, without its former head-writer, Tina Fey, whose new show mocks Saturday Night Live on a Wednesday Night, which is the day after Tuesday night when NBC has decided not to confuse anyone and slot Friday Night Lights. On a Tuesday. Night.

The Big 3 companies (not counting Mack Brown who throws his own weight behind the show's desperate plea for authenticity) behind this production are NBC Universal Television (obviously), Imagine Television and Film 44. Brian Grazer is the bigwig of Imagine Television and is responsible for a slew of critically and consumer acclaimed shows such as Arrested Development, Playmakers, Sports Nite and Felicity. Film 44 is Berg's new production company and has 4 projects slated to bow by 2007, FNL the first.

In addition to the pedigree of David Nevins and Brian Grazer, Friday Night Lights has the music of he who seems to be the de-facto NBC in-house composer as of late, W.G. Snuffy Walden who's work on NBC shows is prominent on three series this fall - Studio 60, Lights and Kidnapped. The real question is, though, why didn't Berg stick with the original team that scored his feature version of Hissinger's book? Music credits on the film go to Texas-based instrumental group Explosions in the Sky and Brian Reitzell and David Torn of Evolution Music Partners. Snuffy, however, takes what seems like the same signature sound of the motion picture and mimics the shit out of it. Why? Hopefully a myspace message to Texas Band can clear things up.

explosionsinthesky@yahoo.com wrote back:

they ended up using a couple of songs for the first
episode. they may follow up and use some in the next
as well. we got lucky to be a part of the movie and
now it looks to have spilled over to the t.v. show.
thanks for thinking of us and i hope you like the
program.

take care of yourself.
explosions in the sky

So looks like the makers of music young men want to clay-shoot to are still involved in the creative process of the series, and this blogger spun conspiracy from an end credit for no reason.

Maybe Peter Berg can clear it all up here.